“You are not sorry.”

Without explanation, I responded to the overused reply.

Tween energy, rolled eyes, sucked teeth and huffing…

Then, I calmed myself and continued…

I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to be better…

I cleaned my office today and found this speech I gave in October 2019 to a group of incarcerated youth:

Being Better

In his book Better, Atul Gawande opens with a description of his life in medical school–observing others while trying to make his own way. He describes an experience when a more senior physician asked him, a younger doctor, to check on a patient who at first seemed asymptomatic: no obvious stress or trauma to be addressed in that moment. Like most young people will do, he half-heartedly heard the elder and only minimally planned to fulfill the request…in other words, he didn’t really check on the patient BUT the elder knew that he might not. The elder doctor, did not trust him and like elders will often do, he checked on the patient himself, several times. As the patient’s condition changed, the elder was prepared and available to respond. Long story short, it is because the elder physician checked on her that the patient survived. 

Gawande goes on to write about three ways he believes we can become better:

• through diligence,
• by committing to do right, and
• by thinking anew.

With these three thoughts in mind plus a little something more, I hope to spend just a few moments reflecting on this–that which he calls performance success.

Diligence by definition means to do work with persistence and effort. In spite of challenges, the person who is called ‘diligent’, is unafraid to do work. As noble as that sounds, diligence is not without its problems. Work done only for the benefit of one is not really work at all, that is called survival. Can we do better? I say yes.

The second challenge to do right is an idea that builds on the first. Doing right, like work, can be hard because for some, the “right” way is not always a clear or simple path. Doing right requires knowledge of systems where rules have been established, norms set in place and expectations made clear. Sadly, these systems, norms and expectations are not always visible to many of us whose life stories are lived in dark space. Imagine trying to go a right way when there is little light to see a road. How do you do it? You connect with those who have done it before and who have returned to deliver new perspective perhaps. Perhaps you do it by asking for help from those positioned along the way. One thing is clear: doing right requires even more work than simply being diligent. It requires a level of humility that connects humans to other humans. Doing right is about bridging heart-mind gaps and reducing ego so that your mission changes from getting somewhere fast to getting somewhere safe.

The last challenge–thinking anew–is even more difficult to imagine, if you haven’t accepted the first two. Thinking anew requires an almost obsessive reflection on failure and constant searching for new answers, new solutions, new pathways. Thinking anew embraces the reality that failure is always an option and thus will often present new opportunities to re-imagine, re-present and re-vise your story. Thinking anew is an almost instinctive phenomena; the brain power and cognitive load needed to change your thinking or your mindset requires creativity that is visceral and taps into moments of stored strength. This creativity and stored strength define who we are not as people but as beings walking around the planet, giving and taking as we do our daily tasks.

It is undeniable that BEING BETTER is a superior experience to BECOMING BETTER and far superior to BEING SORRY. Being better is about understanding that how we are is intertwined with who we are–in context–of time and space and place and others. Our experiences–the ones that have brought us joy, laughter, and pride can be leveled against the ones that have brought us regret, shame and sorrow. Each has shaped both our becoming AND our being. When the more negative forces overtake the positive, the flip side is often guilt without remorse. The weight and heaviness of our mistakes keep our heart and mind off balance. We hide in these moments and fail to BE that which we were all intended to become as humans: better. 

Being better is an act of constant reflection. It requires a steady quest for information and pursuit of truths–patterns that explain how things work. Being better is both an individual and collective goal. There is no external competition embedded on the journey to being better; you are/we are our own competition. What a gift it is to simply work toward being better instead of best! I challenge you/us to be better, to perform well, to define success according to a standard that is absolutely useful to us where intentional joy in the face of challenging circumstances IS the expected outcome. 

With this, I go back to Atul Gawande as a guide, from his thoughts on diligence as I close: be careful to wash your hands. When I look at my hand, I see strength and ability. I see a place to hold other hands, smaller hands, more fragile hands as a leader based on my own strengths.  I see power to resist self-doubt as I clinch to the causes of others that are far greater than my individual need. Whether I am holding a mop or a pencil, writing, typing, texting or waving, I use my hands to reflect daily on the things I must process every day–these are my points of departure and pathways to joy. I encourage you today and always to keep dis-ease away from the places where YOU will abide. Wash your hands often and find peace in the process. 

Who knew that in just a few weeks the world would be turned upside down?

I wonder where those young people are now…

I hope they are doing better.